Genuinely, what the hell is going on here:
We’re trying to work through this slowly, but the best we can figure out is that Jeannie Blaylock, a news anchor from Florida, was invited into the home of Jaguars coach Urban Meyer and his wife Shelley, presumably for a story that will air on the local news, and took the series of four photos you see above. You would think, but we can’t guarantee, that she got the approval of the family before tweeting them out. In other words, the Meyers were probably okay with how these photos portrayed them.
Which is, and we say this gently, certifiably nuts.
There are so many details to fixate on here, but obviously we have to start with that coffee table. Open up that tweet and take a closer look:
Now, we have don’t have to tell you this, since we assume most of our readers are normal human beings, but coffee tables or living room tables or whatever you want to call them exist in living spaces for a few reasons—to put your legs on while you’re sitting on the sofa, to store magazines or remote controls or whatever, or just for simple decoration. One of those reasons is emphatically not as a display for photographs. We wouldn’t roast anyone too badly for having a photo or two on a coffee table, but generally speaking it’s the wrong place for it.
But 27 photos? TWENTY-#$%^#$-SEVEN?! All of them surrounding some creepy Tim Burton-at-his-most-depressed-looking “flower”? That is pathological. And Urban Meyer put every one of them out. Every last one. This man should not be working around young adults.
Here’s the thing with family photos: Typically, they’re placed strategically in homes at regular intervals, in such a way that they’re not blocking other photos. Why? Because family photos are meant to be looked at. That’s the entire purpose of family photography. But—stop us if I’m getting too advanced here—when you place one photo in front of another photo, you can no longer see the photo behind it, which defeats the purpose of photography in general. To put it in terms Urban Meyer might understand, it’s like lining up all five of your offensive lineman behind your running back, then calling endless hand-offs. The important elements in this scheme are in the wrong place. (Actually, we’re wondering now if that’s literally happening in Jacksonville…)
Honestly, though, that”s only a complaint about the utility of this coffee table set-up. The more important thing is that it’s just batshit insane to put 27 photos on a coffee table, and hints at a deeply disturbed and possibly dangerous mind. We know Jeannie Blaylock was probably taken by surprise on this visit, and her tweet is likely a call for help, but to us, she was derelict in not immediately phoning the police.
The rest isn’t much better. Not to go too heavy on film references, but the experience of viewing that pool, with the inflated pelicans, is like being alone in the middle of the forest late at night while watching the most nightmarish David Lynch movie. (Why does the one flamingo have a shark fin?) Also, why does the entire living room look like it belongs in some grandma’s house that two detectives visit briefly while investigating a murder, and the grandma offers them tea but then poisons the tea?
We can’t handle this. In her tweet, Blaylock teases the upcoming news story with the line, “guess who used to live in this house?” We don’t know the answer to that, but based on the general vibes here, we’re guessing you can find the previous owner somewhere on this Wikipedia page.